I'm sorry

I was reading a blog today and the author suggested a meditation where you bring all your pain to God. In the meditation, I asked my guides to bring me to God.

Remember the movie Wizard of Oz? Well, this is where my version of God lives. In Emerald City where the big flaming head is. I entered this area fully aware that my God has a great sense of humor. I allowed myself to go through my meditation with this imagery present. God was the ball of fire and asked me in that big booming voice “why are you here?” I honestly felt nervous. I said “I am here to present my pain to you. You created me, the pain and all the crap that I carry around with me.” I am pretty much going with it. God laughed. Not the big booming laugh, but the little man behind the curtain laugh. Gentle, loving, not at all angry with me.

“Here” he said. “Pull up a bean bag chair.” I did. God is funny. He had one of those little chairs that are made for little people. Munchkins. I had to laugh. God was a little person. Lovingly, he procured hot chocolate with 2 marshmallows. You know, out of thin air. God is amazing that way. He asked if that was ok or if I preferred green tea. We both laughed knowing that chocolate is food for the soul.

He asked me what I was carrying. I had a sack like the ones hobos carry. I untied it and laid it out between us on a red bandana. He was genuinely curious about the things I presented. He asked what was on my mind? Suddenly, in my meditation, I became emotional. I showed him the items represented. Wedding rings, a picture of my mother, former lovers and in my mind I felt these were huge weights that I had been hauling around. Pain of growing up, being hurt, events that turned into issues. Issues that turned into patterns. Patterns that continued to hurt and that I wanted to heal.

I told God that I was angry and sad and tired of all of this crap. God picked up the items and held them. I told him about each of them and he looked at me. He said nothing but took it all in, my sadness, anger and frustration. God is a good listener. When I was finished with my rant, he looked at me, took my hand and said “I’m sorry.” He apologized for all the defects in my life and asked if I could forgive him? I looked at him and it seemed his face changed. I saw myself. I saw the most loving version of me. I whispered “yes.” Suddenly, my tears flowed, but not from the pain, but from the love of it all. I was and still am astounded that a simple meditation could help me understand that God didn’t make a mistake nor did I, but that a genuine apology helps heal instantly.
I learned that the God within is love personified. Love sometimes means having to say you’re sorry.