Coming Clean

The past few days have been trying at best. I wrote a 10 page investigation on a man who I was involved with on a daily basis and considered a trusted friend for over a year. Some people supported that, others did not.

However, when I wrote my blog Eyes Pried Open, a woman who I had an internet friendship commented with accusations about me. I am not entirely sure, what she’s talking about specifically but I took her words into consideration. I asked what is true here for me?

When I met this man. I was in a transition in my life. Vulnerable and hurting I was starting my life over, literally. I had met some wonderful people online.

One of my online friends and I began discussing ways to improve our businesses. We were excited and I was happy to have connection with like minded people. We met this man online. We both were excited about his enthusiasm, his “influence,” and of course his encouragement and approval. I can only speak for myself. He made me believe that I had talents and when he shined his light on me, I felt good. For a short time. We did a New Year’s Eve radio show together and I was delighted that it went well.

He and I discussed doing a show back to back on an internet radio station I was currently hosting shows. We ultimately teamed up together for a couple months and left together to begin a new series of shows on Blogtalk. I loved every minute of doing the shows with him back then. He would shower me with attention and make promises of doing shows together on Sirius. Because I wanted so badly to be approved of and valued I found myself doing things I wouldn’t normally do. We would talk for hours daily and I enjoyed the fantasy of maybe being paid to be on radio. To have something good happen in my life.

I listened to gossip, I participated in it, I betrayed friendships. I knew inside myself this wasn’t healthy or good. When, I woke up to what I was doing, I told him I wouldn’t discuss other people with him again. Other events happened between he and I that I will keep personal as it’s between he and I. Suffice to say, I was growing up and feeling drained and unhappy. When, I disconnected from him the first time, I faded away as to not upset the applecart. I wanted no part in associating with him and was happier away from the drama. I began my own little daily show.

He asked me to return to his show in February, 2010. I agreed, against the advice of close friends, wanting to believe maybe things had changed and knowing that I needed to do the show as it felt that something more was needed to be learned. I underestimated that.

However, as time went on, questions were raised and his words and actions didn’t align.
Data emerged and the investigation into him began. I decided to leave the show on Blogtalk because I couldn’t in good conscious continue to be associated with someone who I knew to be deceptive. There were many stories he told that were coming to light. He simply wasn’t who he said he was.

The rest as they say is history. The investigation continued, and more emerged. I couldn’t walk away and go about my business. However, that’s not the point here.

The point for me is I hurt people when I was associating with him. It wasn’t deliberate, nor was it malicious. It was simply as this woman suggested to get on “the fast track.” I am not proud of that, nor will I deny that my ego was involved. And, I have learned my lesson. The hard way.

Will those people forgive me? Maybe and Maybe not. I know that I am living my life each day the way I set out, with integrity and clarity of purpose. I am grateful that this woman pointed out something that I did wrong. I hurt her, for that I am sorry.

She may or may not believe me, and to the others, if I did something wrong, I want to know, so I may correct it.

I welcome it as I am responsible for my life, accountable to my life and becoming a master of it.